As parents we want to wrap our children in bubble wrap in order to create the safest environment possible; holding them in vulnerability while also protecting innocence and giving love. We will stop at nothing in order to help our children be happy, healthy and safe.
But what happens when the danger is the other parent? What happens if the danger is the sneaky monster of emotional abuse? Abuse is tricky. It can be slow and manipulative. It is often hidden within dis-ease. But it is still present.
My heart hurts today. I have heard things in the last four years that cut deep into my soul; things I should have never been lead to believe about myself. If you had asked me a few years ago, the worst sentence I ever heard was : “I love you more than him. We can always make another baby, why is it so bad that I don’t love him?”
Until last month. It got worse. Much worse. Words I never want my child to hear. Words I never in a million years can fathom thinking let alone saying.
I did everything I could to get us wrapped up in bubble wrap and protected. Marching into the courthouse I asked for every right we had and demanded a safety net be cast around us. But no matter what I do; the words cannot be unsaid.
As I watch Zyan sleeping, with his perfect little body slowly rising and falling, I want nothing more than to shelter him from this forever. My heart doesn’t hurt for the court battles I put up with today; my heart hurts for the pain he may eventually feel in the future.
One day he will feel the weight of these words I shield him from and I will be there to hold his hand. He’s resilient now and always will be. I will remind him he’s loved, wanted, held and important. Daily I will tell my son he’s perfect inside and out (even on the days he begs for popsicles before school or tries to stay up late). I will hold his hand and heart and do my best to support him no matter how resilient he is.
Tonight hold your babies close. Wrap them in your mama/papa bear protective energy. Keep them happy, healthy and safe. And then remind yourself that they are resilient. You’ll be there to hold their hand when things get messy.
Tonight hold them close. No matter how old they may be. A phone call. Making them dinner. Dropping off flowers. Refilling their coffee supply.
I’m so grateful to my own mom who holds me, always. I don’t allow myself to fall apart often because I need to protect Zyan, but on the days when I need to rest she makes sure we have a pillow of love to land on. And plenty of coffee and pull ups.
Hold your people close. Tell them you love them. Wrap them in emotional bubble wrap. And know that when it’s pierced, you’ve loved them so deeply that they have the resilience to protect themselves.