This past weekend all my dreams come true as we celebrated the 1st Annual Awareness Gala for Yoga for Families of Addiction. Yet I woke up Saturday morning and felt a tightness in my chest. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop; kept waiting for the moment when someone would say it wasn’t good enough or that they didn’t have fun. I kept awaiting the judgement.
The morning following the Gala, I went straight into teaching a 12 hour teacher training for Yoga for Families of Addiction. In our training we dive deep into holding space for others, yoga for trauma recovery, codependency recovery & insight into how the nervous system plays a role in addiction. After a few hours of talking to my trainees, I began to realize I was waiting for the judgement to come because that is what I came to crave.
In a twist of unhealthy habits, I realized that my own addiction is an addiction to drama, codependency & men who need to be “saved.” Everyone I have ever dated (save one person) has judged me, put me down and not fully SEEN me for who I am. In some ways I saw this as them being awful to me (and it always manifested that way), but I’ve come to realize that I was attracting them because I craved the nature of the pattern. They love me, they need me to heal them, they aren’t ready; they leave me or I leave them and it leaves a wake of drama in its path.
I’m accustomed to the victim mentality. I’m terrified of my feminine energy. I just started watching Hallmark Movies again this year and can’t get through even a few minutes without tears. I’m inviting the softness back in and asking for love but my body doesn’t know how to trust what my spirit knows. I’m afraid to trust. I want the judgement because a part of me still doesn’t believe I’m good enough and if someone says I’m worthless, it reinforces my belief and makes me feel justified and “right.”
I cried on the way home from training as I came to realize and own what my own personal addictions are. Full on meltdown because I could hear my ex-husband telling me that my organization didn’t raise as much as he would have been able to. I cried because I was really angry at myself for not being confident after such a successful event. I cried because I couldn’t truly believe the litany of text messages, emails and voicemails telling me how wonderful the event was. I cried because I’m finally being forced to face my healing dead on and it’s terrifying.
I cried because all my dreams came true and I accomplished every goal alone. I had no partner to celebrate with or snuggle next to when the event was over. I went to bed alone.
My biggest fear in life is to be alone.
My biggest dream is to teach yoga, travel to spread the word for Yoga for Families of Addiction and raise my son to be fiercely loving, kind and independently minded.
I’m living my dream and my nightmare simultaneously.
How can I be so blessed and feel this darkness? Why does the healing have to come now? I wish I could just ignore it and keep pushing myself. But I can’t.
Because I fell down an entire flight of stairs.
You read that right. I fell down an entire flight of stairs.
Tuesday morning as I was busily readying myself for work and Zyan for daycare, I put on brand new, deliciously warm and cozy socks. I picked him up and proceeded to fall down our flight of stairs. In the mix of the morning I was beyond grateful Zyan didn’t have a scratch on him, to my mom for her quick thinking, my dad for taking care of Apollo who was scared out of his mind and my teachers for stepping up to the plate and helping me teach Tuesday classes and prepare our studio for the annual Thanksgiving Day class. I have an army and my God I couldn’t be more grateful for them.
Remember back in September when I told you about the whispers in your body that tell you things? Little reminders that say: SLOW DOWN NOW.
I ignored every single one. I kept saying to myself that I would heal my heart later. I would take a break later. I could push myself until the Gala, or Thanksgiving or my birthday or Christmas.
God laughs at our plans.
I was in a sling for 3 days, not allowed to drive or do yoga until this morning and my body is still achy. It’s forced me to do nothing (something I happen to be terrible at). And yet the ache in my heart feels as though it’s softening. I played. I sang. I rested. I napped. I watched those infamous Hallmark Movies with my mama. I allowed others to drive me around. I saw Michelle Obama with my friend Rachel (holy inspiration, beauty & grace). I was able to simply BE. And it was exactly what I needed.
When you own your healing, the ache begins to soften.
It isn’t easy. Sometimes there is a giant (ugly) purple and yellow bruise. Sometimes there’s a darkness in your heart you didn’t realize was there. But as the band-aid begins to rip off, you’ll find out you can truly breathe again.
I’m on this journey with you. Step by step. Moment by moment. Living my biggest dreams and deepest fears right alongside you.
Let’s rip the band-aids together. Let’s heal together. Let’s fully, truly breathe again
xx, namaste – Jenny
P.s. Do you want a chance to find your breath this winter? Do you need a physical reminder of healing? Our Yoga for Families of Addiction rings are finally on sale. They are 10K gold rings with two chevron triangles that represent our logo. They stand for strength, balance and the reminder that you’re always supported. Check out our message on Facebook to order yours today.