It has been over six months since my last blog post.
Let that sink in for just a moment. I’m a writer, who has had not only the world’s worst writer’s block, but also a lot of emotional turmoil and vinyasa waves happening in my world.
I love to live parts of my life online. As a yoga teacher and a self-proclaimed spreader of joy, I love being present and giving myself as much as I can and as honestly and authentically as I am able. But our lives are actually LIVED offline and out in the real world. So much was happening at once that I couldn’t figure out (and didn’t want to) a balance between being authentically open in my story and retreating into my personal space for a bit of rejuvenation and solitude. The only place I seemed to be able to release a little of my writer’s block was on Facebook, in mini posts on my yoga page.
But as of today, it’s no longer enough. I finally feel ready to open and connect. I feel ready to share.
In the last six months, Zyan and I have been on quite the journey.
September 2nd, 2016 brought us into our brand new family home.
October 11th, 2016 brought us back into my childhood family home.
And there we remain, with love and support and so much joy.
This year my world was flipped upside down. I finally opened my heart, mind, soul and throat chakra to EXACTLY what I was going through. Denial is a powerful concept. Love and kindness are the way I navigate the world. And I took every ounce of my loving kindness and poured it into my life in order to “save” my picture perfect identity.
As my world crumbled, I did my best to put on a happy face and pick up the pieces around me. I did my best not to let anyone see what was happening beneath the surface. But as time went on, the surface began to crumble. There were bricks being thrown at the walls I had created and everyone around me began to see inside as the cracks of light opened to our darkness.
When you love someone, you love them deeply. You want nothing more than love, joy and abundance for your partner. But we are not our partner. We are ourselves. And it is our responsibility to make sure we have love, joy and abundance in our hearts. And then we HOPE to radiate that love to our partners. It is their choice, however, to pick it up or pack it away.
My beloved decided not to pick it up and is on his own journey of (someday) recovering from the awful family disease known as addiction.
But this isn’t his story, it’s mine.
In the last six months I have rebuilt my life to be even richer and full of so much joy. I’m practicing yoga more every day, standing stronger in my truth than ever before and allowing for my own healing from addiction.
While I was at Kripalu this past weekend, enjoying a weekend of solitude, I realized that my mission has always been to empower women. It started with Journey to Hope, the non-profit I started in Cape Cod. It served women in domestic violence shelters and a homeless shelter on a mission to empower others to gainful employment and creating lives for themselves. It moved to The Ahimsa Project, which was my online yoga course teaching women to reconnect to self-esteem and remembering how beautiful they were inside and out. And it culminates here, with my own journey being weaved into every inch of my latest offering: Yoga for Families of Addiction.
The course isn’t quite live yet, it’s still in the infancy stages. But it is coming full force, and it’s coming very soon. We will be traveling to studios around Massachusetts (and someday beyond) to spread this mini teacher training. Certified yoga teachers will be given the opportunity to learn how to create a safe space for families of addicts. We will be learning how to integrate restorative poses, al-anon principles, essential oils and more into this customizable class. It will be 20 CEUs from yoga alliance.
Every day for me is different now. I wake up happy, sad, angry or anxious. I have moments of overwhelm. But I readjust to my happy and vibrant self quickly when I see my son smile and my puppy running in circles. I adjust the moment I walk into the Shala and feel the sense of community. And I adjust within seconds when I see my family, who has supported me on every inch of this journey. Today though, I am grateful.
Grateful for the opportunity to be faced with challenges. With my practice, I have the tools to create balance and love in my life almost daily. And I cannot wait to teach YOU to do the same.
Sending you buckets of joy and love,