Ayurveda Intake

August 5, 2013

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               Click picture for source

I like to consider myself a self-love guru: well versed in the ways of love, self-esteem and re-building a kinder and gentler self, body and way of life. I spend time researching, talking about self-love, working it into my own practice and trying to bring self-love techniques to each of you. I talk about conversations we need to have with ourselves, great yoga and breathing techniques and so much more within The Ahimsa Project and my biggest goal is to help you love yourself.

But I failed. This weekend I felt as though I was the biggest failure and the worst teacher to be leading you through this process because I had a major fail moment.

I’m half way through my 500 hour teacher training and this weekend was our ayurveda weekend. Ayurveda is the “science of life” and is a truly interesting practice and lifestyle. The texts are full of “duh” and “aha” moments and while reading it you understand that we are truly one with nature and by listening to our bodies and being as naturally driven as possible, we can live a healthier, longer and cleaner lifestyle. I love the overall concept and was so excited to jump into the weekend and LEARN!

Saying I was challenged is one of the biggest understatements I could utter today. Challenged, failure, alone, questioned and confused are great starts for the adjectives I felt during this training. Burnt out was my final result while HOPE and LOVE were there in the distant background, as I know that this is where all my thoughts, understanding and learning need to stem from.

On Friday evening, after a discussion on karma and the creation of life I called Karthik practically in tears. I said “I need to forgive a friend. She is coming back into my life to teach me a lesson and I finally heard my AHA moment at training.” Being my amazing husband, all he said was “Yes honey, I know. I’ve been telling you to forgive her for weeks and let go but you needed to hear it in another form. I’m glad you’re at training even if I miss you.” (A side note: what an awesome dude I have for understanding me in my moments of yoga crisis and AHA moments)

As we continued on into Saturday, we began to then discuss the doshas. In one of my business forum groups, I decided to seek support and this is what I said on Saturday night:

“Just needing a little love tonight…I’m a yoga teacher in the midst of my 500 hour training & it’s my ayurveda training weekend. For those of you who may not know, it’s the science of life: a lifestyle & diet and much more. We categorize ourselves into 3 categories & can often be more than one.

I’ve always identified with the middle one (pitta) but this weekend the teacher re-labeled me as the light (vata) & heavy one (kapha). As a self-love guru & yogi bringing love & light it’s hitting SO hard to my core. It felt as though she looked right at me and told me I was fat.

I know she didn’t, and I also know its my own self-conscious self coming back up. But I thought I was so far past this point and am teaching others to love themselves…it cuts really deep because part of me believes I shouldn’t be teaching them but another part knows I should because I’m experiencing the same low self-esteem/self-hate qualities and can teach from a point of not only experience but also love.

I know I’m rambling but this weekend is bringing up some huge challenges. I guess I wanted to tell you all that we are ALL going though “it” whatever IT is. Be it low self-esteem or questioning our path, we are all on this journey together and it’s OKAY!!”

In my moment of break-down and panic over whether or not I am the perfect person to teach about self-love, I heard an outpouring of love and encouragement. Sentiments ranged from the definition of a Kapha Dosha to the understanding that all teachers: “teach best what we need to learn.” These women reached out to remind me that a dosha is not WHO we are, but just a part of our being. They reminded me that a kapha person is loving, kind, sensitive and strong. I truly see this resonated within Journey to Hope and couldn’t be more blessed that this piece of my personality lead me to build a non-profit which helps others in need.

My failure, my moment of self-doubt and panic turned into a beautiful message. I am ready and perhaps I have not failed you at all.

I have a LOT to learn in the ways of ayurveda and plan to continue on in my studies to have a better understanding of the concept and perhaps bring each of you a little more knowledge within this regard. I am so blessed to be in both my yogi community and online business community. I couldn’t be happier or more proud at the moment to be a teacher who TRULY understands moments of doubt and low self-esteem. Loving yourself is a constant conversation, and just as with addiction, we will be having this conversation for the rest of our lives.

{You are beautiful. You are enough. You are perfect where you are. In this moment, with this body and this life}

Get out there-do yoga & make life sparkle!!!
Wahe Guru!!

Jenny

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4 Comments

  • Reply Leanne Chesser August 5, 2013 at 10:12 am

    I’m so glad to hear your realization at the end – – that loving yourself is a constant conversation. I hear you though. I’ve been there myself. I’ve worked so long on things, only to find more that I’m dealing with . . . with the thoughts of being a failure and the frustration of working on this AGAIN?!? But . . . it’s a journey. And we go deeper and heal things more fully as we go. Also, we don’t need to be perfect to teach others. We need to be real. 

  • Reply Jenny R August 5, 2013 at 10:15 am

    Exactly! Sometimes it takes a long time to even begin the conversation but if we are constantly having this conversation, we are on the road and continuing on our journey. If we slip… as long as we have the conversation with ourselves, or support from others we are begin REAL. I’m so lucky to have students who are grateful for a real teacher and am loving the journey I am on even if it is a challenge at times. 🙂

  • Reply Sonja Keller August 8, 2013 at 6:33 am

    Hey Jenny, part of self love is accepting the good and the bad. I loved reading your post, because it reminded me of how I feel sometimes in my less ‘mindful’ moments. We all imperfect and as long as we strive towards acceptance and love we can’t go too wrong. Love to you xxx

    • Reply Jenny R August 8, 2013 at 7:59 am

      Thanks so much Sonja. It is true, we are all imperfect and by having a continuous conversation we are able to accept both the good and the bad. Jai ma!!! Thank you for joining in on the conversation.

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